well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Congratulations! We have a period
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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