I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
