cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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