i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
