i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
