Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
