I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i think i just lost a toe
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
