ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
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When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
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I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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