alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
