I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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