Umm I'm too high to move.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
