man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
