Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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