this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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