My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
