maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
