You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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