these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just pee around me
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
