Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
