I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
