I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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