Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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