I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
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Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
be right there i have to get my cape
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
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He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The Olympian is in my bed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize