but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have aggressive nipples.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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