So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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