I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
