god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
