Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
