Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
