Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
