I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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