So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
