so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
