I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
