i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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