She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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