I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize