Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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