My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
