if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
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If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING