i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...