I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
