i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
