So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
