If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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