The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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