just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
