you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
