Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
