when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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