You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
