Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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