Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
