why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
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