Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
