You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
