I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
