What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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