I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
