If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
